Familiarity breeds contempt...

Continuing on the updates...

2010-12-13T20:20:00.003+08:00

well i wonder if there was any wat to get back on the horse so as to speak when suddenly you start to feel that everything that is ahead of you seems so bleak...lets save that for a more appropriate timing... lets talk about prom...new zealand prob after eh...

Prom 2010 was simply far better than 2009 or maybe im just biases because it was another chance for me to spend time with my darlings...i think that valli was really right in predicting why teachers tend to get drained out much much faster than others because of their emotional connections to their students... i love my darlings a lot and that basically prevents me from really being able to let go...

being crappily emotional takes a humongous toll of your social, emotional well being...i do feel like just taking a drive to nowhere...

anyway back to prom...gosh the food really sucked big time but the number of photos really made up for it..plus of cos the muttons were not too bad... of cos at the same time we always wonder why local proms are neva the kind of proms we see on tv....haiz maybe those are the fantasies that we never get to be happy about...

Time to put pen to paper...

2010-12-13T00:24:00.003+08:00

Eventually at the risk of this blog becoming a barren wasteland, i think its probably time to update a few things that have happened since the september entry. now with the holidays i guess its a lot easier to pen done stuff hopefully...its gonna be a long succession of much remorse though hopefully culminating in a perrennial resolving and resolution entry at the end of the year....

Well....i didnt really wanna bring her up but i guess i have to...granted she is hopefully more of a watershed than i expect her to be. she was a dear fren, even if in the last few years we have lost what we used to have, it wasnt like we were strangers or anything. to think that in the coming weeks i had intended to ask her out just to catch up and hang a while. haven really seen her in 2 years plus if i not wrong so...to see her in that casket was no way to i ever wanted to. when i got the news i remember i cracked...maybe its really times like that when u really know if someone ever mattered to you.

as i sat there outside the staffroom, i really didnt know if there was anything i could do or say that could myself feel any less pain. the tears wanted to flow as they are doing now but they got stuck... i called many but from those who knew her deeply to those that knew her fleetingly also couldnt really believe it or say anything that made sense...it was senseless..why? why? why? there is so many ppl including myself who should be in her place.

i cant bring myself to look at any of her pictures knowing that it might be a fleeting glance at someone who left a great mark on any one who met her...

Dearest Fiona,

'Be positive, Be a cation'...the phrase wont be forgotten. i am truly sorry that i failed you as a fren and i really should have been a far better fren then just let you slip out of my life. time for regrets over as they may be...you will always be remembered and loved by me...

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

2010-09-10T13:16:00.002+08:00

sadly, the more fun you have with the ppl who mean the world leads you to miss and want it to never ever end. sometimes you go thru with the most ingenious ways to make sure that the feeling on lonliness and missed opportunities neva come along.

have you met up with old friends and realised that you missed the person you were...or worse, you hate the person that you have become. you sit down and reflect on yourself and you find that after all the scrimpage that you have endured so as to speak has left you empty, broken and nowhere near the finish line. in some cases you might even think that you are furthur away from the line that when you first began...

i keep asking ppl where do you see yourself in the bigger scheme of things but i am afraid of ppl asking me back that very question...because i am at a loss. i am surely not where i am or else the frustrations, anger and sense of loss would not be at the levels that they are at.

i question the future...what is there to look forward to? change job? hahahah ya rite...Msc..ya but that will get me no where but personal growth which well lets face it is a joke...haaaaiz..bleak is the future of men, who walk thru life with their heads held high but hearts beating with astute wonder...

We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams.

2010-09-08T21:21:00.006+08:00

Suprisingly, in a totally expected manner, i somehow didnt really wanna update anything since the blog became private and in the end the only way i was gonna update anything was if it became very much the public one it used to be...reading the past entries saddens me a lot as i still cant believe that with a click of a button and the entire 3 years of feelings and thoughtfully crafted words can be deleted...haiz...

interestingly, most of recent of developments have seen me reconnect with quite a number of ppl. some of cos have prompted me to go thru some past memories which i had thought were long beyond me. its just unfortunate as sometimes things that are buried are best left in the ground...

i am sooo trying to enjoy myself as much as possible. i soo totally agree with zc on the fact that well we just have to a few more years be the young jerks that we can be. sadly, in the working world, the worthy are rarely rewarded with what the populas considers to be justified. sometimes time is all that is the best reward that anyone can ask for.

i really wonder what the future holds for many of us...when i look back i wonder if sacrifices made were worth it at all. just when the journey behind looks so long, the journey forward looks esp winding and lumpy..

those of you with 56 days to your 'A's. congrats! trust me, somehow the academic career seems to get much much easier.

All this while, going to egypt and see the pyramids up close was the highlight of my life. just to dwarf anything else i have ever done, my article has been published!!! Gosh, i cant tell u how proud i am. i just wish others that are supposed to be proud of it, would!.

anywayz.. its been published on Dalton Transactions (impact factor 4.081)

Title: Crystallographic identification of an unusual homoleptic palladium citrate [Na(OH2)6]·{[Na3(OH2)8]3[NaPd3(C6H4O7)3]2}·(H2O) stabilised by intermetallic aggregation with sodium and heavy hydration
by:
Parag Gunari, Suresh s/o Krishnasamy, Shi-Qiang Bai and T. S. Andy Hor

Dalton Trans., 2010, Advance Article DOI: 10.1039/C0DT00273A, Communication

Can you imagine?!!! its my first ever and its soo different from anything i ever achieved because for like the rest of time, when ppl do any research on this area, they would need to cite us!!

ill put the article up if i can but if anyone wants to read at all...feel free to ask me k...

2009 in all its glory

2009-12-20T13:05:00.002+08:00

Coming to the end of the year, its usually a time when i am free to profess the nature of the year and launch a whole load of complains about the progress of the year and how things should be different...BUT somehow this year has not been one for much complains.

the first thing is the completion of a great number of resolutions. for the first time in a stupendous number of years, i have actually completed resolutions. 4 to be exact with many more in the midst though i cant proclaim them yet.

1. My Claret red Suzuki SX4. gosh i waited almost a year to get her and i finally put my money where my dreams were. She is lovely and well i have been really grateful that i got it. not so much as a car but more as a means to show myself that when there is a way for things to move up eh...

2. Completing the standard chartered 10km run. though i have done the 21km before, this posed to be a major highpoint of the year. the medal, the t-shirt, nothing which i ever thought i might be able to do ever again. there was a time when running was simply easy for me.

3. i have finally submitted and got myself accepted into the Msc programme in NUS. its bringing up a lot of questions and concerns which i cant even answer for myself. the purpose of doing it is really for the sake of the greener pastures outside the world of teaching. though the salary versus take home money is probably unmatched unless i do proceed to the world of industrial petroleum which may not be a very bad thing to be honest. hopefully it really comes to a good end. now its all about fitting in the modules.

4. Painting my room. granted it may seem a very insignificant resolution as compared to the few above but its still something i wanted to do and well check it off the list. i somehow would have completed the entire house though my dad was a little anti that but my rooms nonetheless eh...

a few other small ones have been completed of cos but well nothing to publicize as much as i would love to. so all in all 2009 has been a time of growth. though of cos it has left me more adult that i would like to be or even expected to be. it has kinda left me more deep in thought about what i am and who i would like to leave behind.

the common consensus is that when u die, u need 4 ppl to carry your coffin haha but then anymore are just to cry. 2009 has taught me that in the following years i need to make sure that SURESH is well taken care of. at the finishing line, i still need to be standing and that has to really be ensured...

Onwards to 2010!!!

the confusions of the many

2009-11-15T22:50:00.000+08:00

Doubtless it is true that while consciousness is occupied in the scientific interpretation of a thing, which is now and again "a thing of beauty," it is not occupied in the aesthetic appreciation of it. But it is no less true that the same consciousness may at another time be so wholly possessed by the aesthetic appreciation as to exclude all thought of the scientific interpretation. The inability of a man of science to take the poetic view simply shows his mental limitation; as the mental limitation of a poet is shown by his inability to take the scientific view. The broader mind can take both.

As 2009 approaches a closing, there is a general feeling that 2010 will be the start of a busy tripartied of years. my Msc has begun and well i think it will end up being a sucker haha

interesting passage

2009-11-11T18:42:00.000+08:00

“ Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your bestfriend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile, you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all, wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong. ”

To rectify past blunders is impossible, but we might profit by the experience of them.

2009-11-06T10:56:00.002+08:00

We ought not to look back, unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dear bought experience. To enveigh against things that are past and irremediable, is unpleasing; but to steer clear of the shelves and rocks we have struck upon, is the part of wisdom, equally as incumbent on political as other men, who have their own little bark, or that of others, to navigate through the intricate paths of life, or the trackless ocean, to the haven of security and rest.

Sadness is something that often creeps up on you when you least expected and the worst of it all is that you never can really tell why and when it comes and you will never be ready for it...

My mistakes are my life.

2009-11-04T08:49:00.002+08:00

We've been told there's a certain way to live ... that this is living ... and we ... we never really questioned it. We just sort of went along. But what if it's not the best way? What if there's another way that's better? What if there's something more?! don't you ever ask yourself the fundamental question of what the hell am i doing with my life?

i am a teacher...why? because im good at it..honestly teaching is not a job, its a passion and i do it seamlessly. but beyond that? am i a suitable teacher? am i a teacher in all the right context? i have been consciously considering my options. june 2011 is when my contract is up...will i choose to stay on in something that is not a job but sucks me to the very core? dun tell me to choose not to get sucked because then you really dun know me at all. its the way i work. heart, soul and body...give everything...you all know that...the big thing is MONEY!!! i mean can i find a job that is gonna pay me my 4k that im drawing? this is not the way i can handle it and for once i have no pillar... my pillars have eroded and perhaps this is when you are truly alone.

students can make or break the very soul.. some of them are total ingrates! they see nothing more than their selfish pursuits..cant pass: teacher's fault, cant score A: teacher's fault...why not blame the teacher when u cant shit or when u cant be early for school? you have no idea what you are doing or even what u are saying but say lor...i mean i cant stop you from talking rubbish because well, talk is cheap rite...talk all you want...

you dun really know me well...the need for affirmation and constant mollycoddling is something that builds me up. i need a base to soar...a lot of you know this but somehow the important ppl have forgotten it...puppet that i am...so needy that i have become that anything and everything is loaded and taken at ease...this bears a similar mark to my life in its entirety...

Life is hard. After all, it kills you!

KATHARINE HEPBURN, Susan Crimp's Katharine Hepburn Once Said...

watershed.....could it be a new beginning??

2009-10-27T21:59:00.003+08:00

The heart is a muscle...this is a fact. it can be toughened, strengthen and in the end without exercise, it can simply fail u. its an open secret that my heart is a weakling.. it has never been something to depend on and it has never been a reliable source of good fortune at all...when you protect your heart as much as i have over the years, it becomes a sickeningly hard piece of wood.

I hate the way i need to fight thru everyday to stay in line with my dreams and hopes. they did die off a long time ago but every once in a while it will remind me of the level at which i have failed to achieve many things which i should have quite simply. i wonder why its simple so hard for me to wake up and smell the roses. but roses will prick u with their thorns eh.

the sad thing is that i just delete all my previous blog entries. i just left the last month which haha centered mainly ard my fren...she knows i sooo wanted to disturb her lor...think she prob freak at my entry hahaha...prob earn me a whack or something...i dunno if she has read...ill del everything leaving this as the start of a new day, a new conundrum....other than that i feel like a big past has been thrown away. ill never find the quotes that i put up...ill never experience the way i felt for them.. the pain and emotions that i really had to tie up and burn away.

all my passion for space travel and the celestial are gone...maybe leaving behind an empty shell...i do wonder why i blog sometimes..is it out of habit or is it out of necessity... i miss jerene...i miss her epiphanies and her unrelenting honesty...suddenly i realise how much everything is running amok...